These are not endorsements; I cannot guarantee the safety of these toys nor the reputation of the vendors. I’m sorry but I am simply not going to chase down the evilogues on every dinosaur dick merchant on Earth. Please do your own research before purchasing a Tyrannosaurus penis.

“Stegosaurus Spiky Reptile Silicone Dildo” by Creature Cocks: $43.97

First up in the SEO ranking are several entries by Creature Cocks, which is by far the most corporate dinosaur dildo producer. They’re a sub-brand of XR brands, which is apparently some kind of sex toy parent company with like fifty different lines for different interests.

This Stegosaurus dick is not a strong start, because: how do you get the damn thing in? The material is squishy-soft and obviously lube will be involved, but… have you ever tried to put a tent back into the package it came in? I don’t know if the technique here is to go row by row and kinda hold the spikes together like a bouquet until they’ve crossed the threshold, or if you just go for it and the spikes fold themselves back and the consequent springback action is part of the experience. Either way, I’m not into it, either as a sexual prospect or a paleontological depiction.

“Dickosaur Dinosaur Silicone Dildo” by Creature Cocks: $31.97

While I am a little disappointed any time a dinosaur toy doesn’t commit to a species, this Dickosaurus is a clear improvement on the previous toy, for three reasons:

1. I do not have to guess how to put it inside me

2. testicle feet

3. The majestic pecs and abs of the spokesdino in the background

“Dino Dick Dinosaur Silicone Dildo” by Creature Cocks: $47.97-55.97

Available in two sizes! I like that they actually re-sculpted it for the different sizes, instead of just scaling it. (Though it is, also, scaled.) These look plenty usable, but they’ve sacrificed a lot of dinosaurness in the process. If you saw one of these on the street, you’d think “sea monster?” before dinosaur. They have really shallow scales that you probably can barely feel, and short little tails, and that’s about it. It’s fine as a novelty dildo or whatever I guess, but it’s timid. It’s not meant for the kind of person who genuinely wants to fuck a dinosaur.

The T.rex in the background seems to have lost some muscle mass, though it still has long arms. I guess it felt weird to sell masturbation materials with a creature that can’t reach its own cloaca.

“Jurassic Cock Dinosaur Silicone Dildo” by Creature Cocks: $55.97

This design has been copied all over the Internet, because it’s amazing, but I think Creature Cocks is the original. Anyway it’s spectacular. 10/10, no notes. This is what I picture when someone says “Dickosaurus.” It’s the total package. It’s usable, it’s got a nice meaty tail, it’s got lovingly sculped testicles, it’s got extremely weird legs. It breaks all the rules and it’s right to do so. Keep on keeping on, Jurassic Cock Dinosaur Silicone Dildo.

“Raptor Claw Fisting Silicone Dildo” by Creature Cocks: $63.97

Oh no I’ve got very mixed feelings about this. On the minus side: that anthro raptor looks more like a crocodile or perhaps a Godzilla, there should only be three fingers, and there’s no sickle claw so you can’t do the “you are alive when they start to eat you” speech with it. On the plus side: it’s something more creative than yet another scaly dick, and those silicone claws make me… curious.

“Raptor Reptile Stroker” by Creature Cocks: $39.97

Despite my strenuous objection to the word “reptile” in the name and the squamate features of the mascot, I otherwise don’t hate it. It’s got scales on the inside! And it does the thing I always find fascinating in strokers, where each zone has something unique going on so it’s, like, constructing a narrative as you get deeper into it. Probably all just feels like squishy when you’re actually in there, but I appreciate the effort.

“Phantom Beast Dinosaur Dildo,” by Kanojo Toys: $33.00

This was a one-off for Kanojo; the other toys in the Phantom Beast line are various non-dinosaur animals and mythological creatures. Anyway, this one is clearly intended not as a dinosaur’s body, but as an envisioning of the kind of intromittent organ a dinosaur might have. How usable it is, I think, depends a lot on how you feel about texture. This thing is super nubbly (evoking osteoderms?) all over. I like that the base design shows it emerging from a cloaca, too.

“Dicklodocus” by DimensonsonDemand on Etsy: $8.53

Sadly Etsy has banned the sale of sex toys, so this thing is obviously not a usable sex toy except in the sense that you can rub yourself on anything if you really want to. But I wanted to include it because look at this little guy, he’s adorable.

“Wat’s Finger Cots” by Nothosaur Toys: $39.99

I’m kind of cheating with this one, because despite the paleontological-deep-cut name, Nothosaur toys does not sell dinosaur toys. They sell dragon toys. I’m not sure if this is to make it not be bestiality, or if it sells better, or if it’s just what the owner is into. Anyway, this is a neat concept for a toy: it’s a finger cot that you slip over your own finger and learn what it’s like to get fingered by a dragon. This is the first one we’ve come to that I’m honestly kind of tempted to buy. Imagine… a dark corner of the party, passionately kissing your partner against a wall, they reach up under your skirt–and then you feel the cold, smooth surface of a silicone claw sliding up your thigh.

“Deinonychus” by Twin Tail Creations: $35.00 (for “Mini” size)

I’m not really seeing a lot of dino in here, but I appreciate the paleontologically correct naming and the function-focused design. Will this make you feel like you’re getting plugged up by a dromaeosaur? Eh. Will it make you feel like you’re getting plugged up nice and deep? It might do.

“Spinosaurus” by Twin Tail Creations: $35.00 (for “Mini” size)

I think what’s going on here is that these are molded by hand, instead of being cast from 3D prints? Again, it seems usable enough, but I’m not really getting the vision here. Maybe that’s why it’s a discontinued model. (As is “Deinonychus” above.)

“Cyrus” by Twin Tail Creations: $65-$220

There isn’t a description of the species, but going off the art, I think it’s meant to be something in the theropod family. This is a much more modern 3D-printed-looking dildo and it’s got some kind of cyber future dinosaur theme. As a dildo, it seems… fine? Got some bumpies going on, kinda chodey in proportion, not really my deal but I respect it.

“Dino Plug” and “Dino Stretch” by Square Peg Toys: $149-$199

There’s no discernable dinosaur connection here except that these suckers are big. Not counting the bases, they go up to a circumference of 12.7 inches (32.3cm) which is… you gotta do geometry because this guy won’t give you diameters because “they’re not circular” yeah but my butthole is so anyway… an average diameter of 4 inches (10.2cm), which is larger than my fist. Not just my shadow-puppet “fist,” my actual clenched fist is only about 11 inches around. (27.9cm) Honestly I’m in awe. It takes so much dedication to get your body to the point where this is a possibility! It’s not enough to have an anal fetish. You need to be anatomy-educated and goal-oriented to get up to this level safely. You need to chart your progress and keep to a training schedule. It doesn’t matter what the sport is, being an elite athlete is a lifestyle.

“SXXY Tyrannosaurus Dinosaur Dildo with Knot for Female Masturbator Animal Lifelike Veins Dragon Penis Fetish Intimate Sex Toy” by SXXY on AliExpress: $9.60

I’m only including this because apparently someone at the dildo factory heard that the freaks these days are into knotting, so they sculpted a literal knot onto the dildo. Amazing work.

“YOCY Dragon Anal Plug Silicone 5.5cm Thick Buttplug With Suction Cup Double Head Massager Monster Dildo Dinosaur Sex Toy For Men” by YOCY on AliExpress: $37.60

This is by far the most complete dinosaur body yet presented! You can stuff the entire front half of a vaguely-tyrannosauroid theropod into the orifice of your choice! Obviously the anatomy is not accurate to anything whatsoever, it looks more like a bipedal alligator than an actual dinosaur, but nobody else is offering an experience quite like this. Also excellently suited for macro roleplay.

“Dinosaur Soft Anal Plug Dildo Stimulate Vagina and Anus Long Butt Plug Anal Dilator Sex Toys for Women Men Lesbian Sex Products” by Jinyungxiang Toys on Aliexpress: $23.24

This… exists.

It’s 13.8in/35cm long.

The only review on it is five stars and says it’s “what the doctor ordered.”

“The Stilio Raptor Tail Dildo” by Uberrime: $56.00

Like dinosaurs themselves, we’ll end with a tail. It’s not much of a raptor tail – dromaeosaurs had feather plumes at the ends of their tails, not bulbous probes – but I always want to give extra points for thinking outside the penis/vagina box. There’s erotic potential in every part of a dinosaur! Imagine a silicone cast of a Tyrannosaurus tooth, or a Utahraptor sickle claw, or a Stegosaurus thagomizer spike! A grinder cast from actual dinosaur skin imprints, for some big nubblies! An entire inflatable Borealopelta markmitchelli!

The world is so full of possibilities.